Who says you don't get a chance to grow up once again? You grow up each time your child is born and their journey begins on this planet. You get to go through each set of emotions they go through. You feel their fears, their joy, their uncertainties, their fright and their delight. This time with more intensity because you let them feel all the unwanted emotions too by giving them their space. Many times having to hold yourself back because you know it is important for them to feel each emotion on their own, but at the same time its gnawing you from inside knowing how they are feeling. Its important for them to feel it, as it helps them grow. So contrary to what my title says, I truly believe you get to grow up many times.
Yesterday at the park, I usually hanging around outside the rink out of earshot while my older daughter pursues her roller blading practise with her coach along with a bunch of other students. Some at beginners level like her, others with more practise and experience. Yesterday, while practise the coach lined up all the students in one row and asked each one to come forward and demonstrate a routine and then return to their row. The coach whistled and asked the first one to come forward, the most experienced one she was. I immediately realised that she wasn't ready for this. Yet I stayed back and watched her feel the situation. Since it wasn't dangerous to let her have a go at it, I decided to watch from a distance while she was unaware I was watching my little princess. She stood there paused, when the second one followed the routine and returned to their position, she stuck a forefinger in her mouth as a reflex. As her turn kept coming near her anticipation grew. I could see a hint of nonchalance in her eyes. I knew exactly how she was feeling, it was as if it was me standing right there. It felt alone. This moment gives her a chance to decide whether to turn away, ask for mommy or to give it a shot regardless of her fears. I resisted the urge to go stand close to her, I knew it would dissolve her resolve. So i just watched her go through it. When her turn finally came and the coach asked her to step forward. She glided towards the centre perfectly knowing she can't jump but when he whistled, put her strength together and jumped as high as she could and went back to her post! I was so happy I couldn't hold back the urge and started clapping while shouting "wow! well done". She instantly started beaming her big smile as she realised i saw what she had accomplished and got back to her confident self and started skating. Such a small incident, but the depth of emotions she went through. It was something. She has no idea that she wasn't alone in this. Mommy was right there, without her knowing it. The start of the many she will go without knowing that she is not alone, mommy will be right there feeling what you are going through while feeling separate emotions of her own feeling what you are feeling and holding back the urge to cocoon you to a save place. because you need to make your own set of mistakes, stride through your own set of inhibitions and ignite your self confidence.
For those of you wondering how she did it, no her feet did not lift one inch off the ground while she made the jump! :)
